September 27th, 2017

Something in the Wanting

Something in the wanting
Puts a price on cigarette lips or the way you 
Greet me or don't greet me at the door.

Something is wanting
Relief
The kitchen fire; the baby bird emerging from its cocoon shell
The dryer lint filter; the pixel picture out of focus; the wrinkled 
Kleenex; the band of ants on the sidewalk.

Something is wanting
Magic
In the woods, tame with lizards but not a home for goldfish;
In the character book read with a British accent;
In the scotch breathing by the firelight; on the Lover
Spraying perfume between her thighs; in the cold bathtub;
On the back of an old, un-licked stamp.

Something is wanting 
Your eyes to frame me like a gilded handle;
Your mind to rush me with a thousand questions I take 
Years to answer; Your life to open that I fit between
Cheerios and Dynasty reruns, a coffee table desire.
Your lips to piece together my story - Our story complicated
Rich and true; Your sigh to speak all the half-dogged
Loyalties you hid from me; Your back stiff and
Straightened after chopping wood in the 
Forest of Disbelief.

Something in the wanting 
Where I left myself on the way to you, 
Let slide my intelligence for your
Groping hands in the backseat; a wink and whisper while you
Turned to look at her but called me 
Babe.  When I became a facsimile of the life I
Thought I wanted; Don't roll in the wet spot of our
Manufactured Love.
Laboratory rats in our holes come out to see what's next;
Do we slap, tickle, amuse, quiver
Sigh, pinch and pluck? There's
Something to this wanting.

Something is wanting to 
Speak
Quick staccato sentences from my
Shivering lips:
 < this is not my life.>
    THIS is not my life. 
    This is NOT my life.
    This is not my LIFE.
    [this is not life.]

Something is wanting to 
Hear
' I love you' from clogged drain pipes, errant mail, innovative
sales pitches, grocery store attendants, limestone quarries, the
banal desire of dry sex.

Something is wanting a
Break
a pause in the wanting; Where eagerness dies 
Only to take a new form as the overflowed toilet or the
Nail in the tire or the cat that shits on the side - No - 
To the side of her litter box or a sandwich to the full belly or
Dirty socks and sweaty headbands before the next match.
You - a 
Break from you.

Something is wanting to 
Believe
You will never hurt my deepest cuts
The ones I reserve for myself after midnight
While you just snore away your whole Wet Dream;
Won't you always pick me out of the pool for games of chance
and skill and for my strong voice praising
You? In our delicious rolling on the
Grass where we conquered worlds - 
Every world that tried to 
Cave us in.

Something is wanting
How
'I always adored you' 
You said it. 
Something in the wanting - Those words  
In the ancient history of young love
When I loved you all the way
All the way over the cliff where
My mangled body tripped over the
Bones and scraps you fed me instead of adoring me 
Then. Even when you said it - 
While looking away
Down at your shoes
But not in my eyes;
Didn't kiss my hair with your words.

Something wants to 
Bait a 
Grin a
Whim a 
Page turner a
Whistle a
Groan and 
Touch to my inner thigh a 
Delicious lick and languid drape of silken arms a
Pleasure cruise on top of 
You. 
Oh You!

Something wants the
Moments and
Memories to disappear. I think I will 
Cut them -
Sinewy sputtering, carved inside this face
Dripping and swollen
Bleeding out the raw desire
That you don't love me 
Even though
'Adore' 
Is what you say. 

JFH (c) 7.18.2017
[Rev. 9.27.2017]